No Evidence of Intelligence

I was in an abusive relationship.

I hid it from all of my family and most of my friends because I was ashamed. I was ashamed that anytime I saw a talk show featuring a battered woman, or a Lifetime movie about abuse, I always said, “Just leave. I would never let a man treat me like that.”

But I did.

I called the police 3 times, and each time they arrived I lied and told them I was fine and there was no need for charges to be filed. I made excuses to my friends that he was “just angry” or “going through a tough time” and that he would “never hurt me.”

He was smart enough to never hit me in the face and I was dumb enough to stay. I was afraid that I couldn’t pay the bills alone. I was ashamed of what my family would think if I broke up with the man I was engaged to. I was afraid of facing all of the lies I had told about how happy we were. I allowed him to blame the alcohol. I stayed.

Then, one night, I thought I was going to die. He was really drunk. I was being choked. For the first time in my life I actually thought I might die.

That night I realized that if I died everyone, including my parents, would know that I was in an abusive relationship. Not only that, but they would all know that the strong woman that they knew was a lie, they would know that I was weak. They would know that I had called the police three times and that three times I let them leave.

They would know that I let him kill me.

I went limp. When he started shaking me and calling my name I stayed limp. He slapped my face, I didn’t make a sound. When he walked into the kitchen to pour another drink I grabbed my keys, ran outside and drove away. I was wearing only a t-shirt and panties. I didn’t care. I was alive.

I was in an abusive relationship and I was too afraid to tell anyone and it almost killed me.

No Evidence of Intelligence

Fine Folk

Confessions About Abuse