This is my dirty laundry. 

It is the one thing I think about every day that I wish I could change. 

I just had to google YOLO.

You know that sound effect they use in cartoons to signify falling?  The one that sounds like a whistle, right before the KERSPLAT! ?

Well, there is a bird that lives right outside of my bedroom window that makes this sound starting at exactly 5:30 AM every morning. 

I hate this bird.

I fantasize about ways to kill it. 

That is all. 

Anonymous asked: if you feel so guilty why don't you speak out about what happened to you? it may actually help other people and since you are one that actually got away and are in a good relationship now i think other women would feel hope if you shared.

Anonymous asked: Does your dude know about your ex and the whole situation? Does he read your blog?

My dude knows about the ex, and he knows about the situation, but it is not something that we have discussed at length.  I think it is pretty difficult for him to imagine me as “that girl” and I can tell that it upsets him and enrages him that someone treated me that way (only one of the MANY MANY reasons that I love him so much).  Mainly I think it is difficult for him to process since I am a completely different person now.  

He is aware of the blog, and we talk about things that have been posted and messages that I have received, but he does not read the blog.  He occasionally will say, “is this going to make the blog?”… and he’s stopped asking what I’m doing when I take out my iphone and point it at my food.  So, I think he views the blog as one of my friends…he knows about it, but it’s mine. 

I’m not entirely sure why this upsets me so much.  I think maybe I thought that if he were punished this time it would make me feel as if he were punished for what he did to me.  Or, maybe I thought it would absolve me from some of the guilt I feel for not pressing charges and feeling directly responsible for someone else being put through this hell.  

My heart is heavy, it feels like someone is stepping on my chest. I feel angry, and close to tears from frustration with myself, the system, and him.  This is not right. I am certain that he will do this again, and I know that someone else will have to experience his violence, and for that I am sorry.

He should have been found guilty, but I am the one who feels the guilt. 

I totally steal things that you guys say/type and use them IRL…without giving the internet credit.

Butthurt and All of the things are in heavy rotation right now. 

[People really like “butthurt.”]

My clothes are getting just a little tight, but only when I sit down.  I thought about adding to my workouts/decreasing my TV, but then I decided I need some new clothes anyway.

(I made a some e card, but the internet ate it…so you just get my words without a cute picture.)

Kidding…this post had to have a cute picture, so it’s a little more funny and a lot less sad.