I was going to write a Teen Mom re-cap, but I just read the notes I took while on the wine and decided to share those.

-“I’ll show you what to do, C’mon.” —Jenelle
NO JAYCE, NOOOOOOOOOOO.  She means what NOT to do.  Do NOTHING that your mother does…NOTHING.

- Kailyn has no money to get her own place, but does have money for a new foot tattoo. Priorities.  She has them. (Bonus points if the tattoo includes Isaac’s name.)

**J Wow. What?  There’s a new season of Jersey Shore?  Seriously, can’t we at least watch them drink some place other than Jersey? (DVR Jersey Shore)**

-Whoa! Jenelle’s friends are looking rough.  Meth face and can’t keep my hands off my face are giving life advice?  They may be on drugs but even they know Kieffah is bad news. 

-Adam La Douche. That should be his name.

-$31.79 That’s the going rate for a high school education?  I wonder if I could pass the GED test? 

**MTV repeated that Snookie bean-bag flop until it was funny.  **

-Corey and Leah are very snotty.  MTV, get these kids a Z-pack stat.  They’ve had a head cold for 2 years now.

- I like the strawberry pumpkin.

-Chelsea and her friends all have the same bad hair and clothes. I cannot understand the trends of this town…I mean, when did we go from distressed jeans to completely ripped jeans?  I can see your entire shin…you’re doing it wrong.

-Barb and Jenelle make this show way too serious.  They actually make me sad.

-Google Baby Ali 

When people reblog something that you wrote, try to be snide, and basically call you stupid….but really, they are wrong.

P.S. Themselves IS a word, asshat.

I believe that this episode of Teen Mom can best be recapped in the words of the Teen Moms and Dads themselves. 

Maci:

As Rahn said, “Life’s tough, get a helmet.”  
Read: stop bitching that Rahn will always have to be in your life.  I’m with your mama on this one, you should have thought about that BEFORE you had his baby.  

Amber:

Geary has Amber saved in his phone as, “Plain Old Amber.”  I die. I rewind, pause, make sure I’m reading this correctly, and die. How exactly can the person who, “completes you” be Plain Old Amber?

Really Geary, she completes you? That line is so 1996, were you even born yet?

Farrah:  

While driving around town, before dumping her child at her parents’ for the next two years while she “finds herself” in Florida, Farrah decides to take Sophia on a tour de Derek. “This is the lookout point where your dad and I used to sit and look at each other for hours.” ?Look at?  OK. 

One day when Baby Goo, aka Sophia, is older Farrah will probably tell her that this is how babies are made.  I mean, she may even believe that herself at this point.  

Catelynn:

I’m happy that they didn’t make Brandon and Teresa break their hearts by finally saying that they weren’t coming to graduation.  Seriously, we all know that they weren’t coming, right?  They adopted your kid, not your crazy felon-filled family. Butch/Daryl, which we finally find out is pronounced DARRL, goes back to jail. 

Tyler assumes Butch has been popped for “droppin’ dirty.”  I think I need a translator for this.  I’ve heard of ridin’ dirty, but never droppin’ dirty…however, I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s drugs.  Can’t we look at and listen to Butch and tell that he’s not clean?

Also, how rude of MTV to slight little Nick air time when he has lost his rat tail and his step dad all in one episode.   

[My research tells me that droppin dirty is failing a pee test. However, further research tells me that Butch went to jail for violating his no contact order with April.  I can sympathize, I have no idea how he has kept himself from her loving embrace and her beautiful face all of this time. GAG ME.]

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I really hope that this isn’t the Final Finale of Teen Mom.

[Related: Where is baby Ali, I need MTV to get on this. I’ve been googling Baby Ali Medical Condition and I get nothing. Bring Teen Mom 2 Back!]

Caitlyn & Tyler:  

I think I can sum up this episode with a quote from Ty, “I know she’s insecure, she had a baby, she’s fat.”  Not, she thinks she’s fat, but, “she’s fat.”  I had to rewind, then I had to laugh.  Yep Tyler, you just called your fiance fat on Television.

Farrah:

Isn’t Deb so supportive of Farrah?  I mean what a loving mother to point out that her braces make her talk funny and will make her insecure.  Also, Farrah’s dramatic attempt to have freedom and privacy by moving to Florida is just getting old.  All Deb and Michael have to do is evict her from her mini-mansion to give her a taste of the real world and all of its wonderful freedoms.

Maci:

Maci used to be the only Teen Mom that I thought kinda had her shit together and could possibly turn out to be a respectable adult.  I now fear that my first impressions were wrong.  Stringy hair extensions, whining and trying to force Kahl to propose, threatening to keep Bint-lee from Rahn, supporting your boyfriend (who quit his job to be an unemployed loser living in your home) and other general acts of douchey-ness are just off-putting.   

Amber:

For the love of God, get rid of the fake eyelashes.  I don’t care if you shave off your 3 remaining eyebrow hairs if you will just please, put down the fake eyelashes and slowly back away from the makeup mirror.  Also, is it wrong that I laughed when little Leah vommed on the floor, then absolutely lost it when cousin Krystal was gagging while cleaning it up?  [and this]